VerySpecial K……

Sometimes there really are no words to describe in totality the feelings and heart racing emotion that go along with particular events that one may be involved in from time to time. This is the obstacle I will attempt to overcome in explaining what has become a weekly bewilderment session in my new post at Reading Star academy in Gwangju. I use bewilderment loosely because in all reality, i’m out of my league. What league….well, 6 year olds, 10 of them. My K level class. Seems simple enough on paper. Read a few stories, work on some phonics, make a few basic jokes, let them pet my arm hair….ya know, teachy stuff.

There is something else at work here. A chemical reaction of sorts that happens when these particular children are confined to one space for a period of more than 3 minutes. I can only assume that this might be the same chemical reaction that occurs in humans that consume a healthy dose of lighter fluid while snacking on a peanut butter and cocaine sandwich. I’m not a doctor but I think I’m right.

Thor…Blue and White Shirt…Pants On

The situation starts immediately. I enter the room….all 10 scream bloody murder and try and outlast the next in volume and duration. I am powerless and so I smile, pray for an earthquake, and prepare my materials at the podium.

The podium…..unbeknownst to me, has two children nicely tucked into it. One of them conveniently located near my groin flicks me in a sensitive area which is immediately followed by a booming laugh sequence. Hunched over now, I am not laughing and my tear ducts strain to hold the onslaught of fluid.

Now, i have moved away from the podium long enough for one girl to grab one of my pens, a stapler and for the love of Christ, the scissors. I only realize she has these items when the pen is driven into my lower back with ninja precision. I’m seeing spots now.

In my distraction, 3 students have left. Crap. But, that’s 3 less that can stab me and so I make an attempt to get the classes attention. This is made difficult by the fact that each of them are on the floor, crawling through their desks.

As my voice is severely outmatched in terms of volume…yelling has no authority here and so i need to resort to physical means. I choose one student, Toby. I scoop Toby up into the air above my head by grasping under his arms. This ignites a piercing cheer from several students, one who has wrapped herself around my left leg…..Toby is still over my head. As a make my way to Toby’s seat I begin to lower him which allows his feet to grasp nicely around a desk chair which we then dragged several feet, along with Kate, who is still around my left leg…and extremely happy about the difficulties I am experiencing.

Skip ahead to the miraculous moment when the 3 missing students return and they have all stayed seated for roughly 45 seconds. Maybe they’re outta gas…maybe it was a test? Not even close.

Thor had an idea and the creepy grin on his face directed at me told me it was not good. Thor saw a window of opportunity when i was checking homework and so he left his desk and marched to middle of the room. My request for him to return was met with him dropping his pants. To this I countered with a very adult sounding “no!” This was then reciprocated with the dropping of his underpants….and a proud beaming smile. 

I think you have become familiar enough now to know that this was met with shrieks and screaming that only excited Thor as he turned 180 degrees and shook his bare ass at the class.
I need that earthquake.

I’m almost there, 10 minutes. I hate that clock.

When threatened with detention, Thor accepted that he would have to cover up but it was evident that he had no remorse whatsoever and was quite proud of himself. Toby now had discovered something while I struggled with Thors perverse display. Fiddling with the window, he determined that it could in fact be opened. This sparked an even better idea of placing his entire leg outside that window and calling “Adam Teacher!”(being that we are on the 4th floor….this seemed a bit more severe than a kid debuting his winkie to the class ….i’m fairly certain that I inadvertently blasted about 6 expletives in my dash across two desks to pull him back in but hey, vocab is vocab. Check.

Just as the beads of sweat accumulating on my forehead make their decent down my face, the bell rings. Sammy chucks a ball of paper at my head for good measure…Kate punches me in the ass and I just smile. “See you next time!”…..”Goodbye Adam Teacher!!”

It sounds like a bit of a mess and believe me, its not teaching, but it may be one of the most excruciatingly entertaining moments of my week and for that, I actually am grateful. Kids are so unbelievably happy that even when they are so bad….I just remind myself that, they are just kids, unfiltered, untainted and each one is beaming in that room for 40 minutes.

thanks for reading….now pull up your pants,

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